My Happiest Memory of You

my friends tell me
practice selective memory
so far i've been doing well

no longer spend my days
writing diary entries
of the why, what happened
what could have been

as time generously marches
i'm released from its clutches
what color were your eyes again?

but i just have to say
there is just one day
as clear and vivid as it happened

we boarded a train
you let me lead the way
i was your guide
you put your trust in me

you fell asleep
leaned into me
and dutifully
i stayed up
so we didn't miss our stop

by now we were far
from city sounds and crowds
on a quiet island
learning the tricks of
a mutual hobby-
photography

humidity and heat tired us out
we decided to cool off
took a dip in the water
as the sun set behind us
you pulled me in
spun me around

the sun's last rays
dancing

our faces
glowing

you told me i looked amazing
the truth is, so did you

there could have been no one there
on that beach with us

everything else was a blur

over fried tofu
and pina coladas
we traded stories
travels,
career ambitions,
challenges,
failures,
new opportunities

in that moment, we didn't care
we'd soon be separated

though the day before
we had agreed
to leave the unspoken
unspoken

you told me
you loved me

i told you
i loved you too

yet that isn't my happiest memory of you

it came later, on the taxi ride home
you leaned in to whisper in my ear


I feel closer to you now

for some reason
that meant more to me
than any i love you
you ever uttered

and that is the moment
i will always remember
when i think of you

and how close you came
to actually loving someone else

Who I Am Today

Dearest K,

When you met me, I was at an all-time high in life.  Living in a foreign country, had recently quit a miserable job, was keeping up with a regular exercise regimen, was constantly making travel plans and looking forward to upcoming trips, was looking forward to a new start in my career at home...

On the outside and inside, I was a perfectly happy and content girl.  Bursting with optimism and open to new adventures and experiences.

But I wasn't always that way.  In fact, only a year prior I had experienced my all-time low in life.  I was sinking so fast that it was hard for me to pull myself back up, but somehow...I did.  And I realized that I was the only person who could save myself.  My will to change things turned my life around.

I am definitely not proud of a lot of things I have done in the past or even the feelings or person I was at certain points in my life.  I used to be insecure, jealous, lazy, dependent.  Sometimes residual issues from this past come up from time to time that make me wince.  However, it is a reminder of how far I've come.  I'm a big believer in everything happens for a reason.  And the other cliche that "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

I don't pretend to be perfect, but I've overcome a lot of personal hurdles that have opened my eyes to the fact that this stronger, happier person is the end product of a lifetime of not only disappointments and mistakes but good values, perseverence and personal victories.

I just had to share - I am very proud of who I am today.  And no one can take that away from me :)

The End of Life's Journey

Dearest K,

I'm really sorry to hear about your friend.  That must be extremely hard to see - I can only relate in the way I felt when I saw my grandfather in his weakened state earlier this year after he had his first stroke.  He used to be such a strong man - someone who we could rely on to take care of us.  But this year, I had to witness him being spoon-fed by his own daughter as he sat in a wheelchair.  And then two months ago, all that was left of him was ashes in a golden urn.

This sounds weird, but I started to contemplate my own mortality when I first started college.  I even wrote an essay on it - I will share with you.

A couple days ago I started watching the documentary "The Buddha"...and Siddhartha was faced with the same questions we have when we are faced with the prospect of the end of our own life journey.  All of us, regardless of religious affiliation, have a lot to learn from Siddhartha's life story.

We have a lot of goals and ambitions for what we would consider a happy, successful, meaningful life... it may differ from person to person.

In my opinion, we should just enjoy it...every last bit of it...while it lasts.

Take risks, grab every opportunity, live without regret.
Be happy, make others happy.
See as much of the world as you can.

At my grandfather's funeral, we mourned his loss.  But we celebrated the life of a wonderful man who had touched our lives.  We shared funny stories, happy memories.

And I thought... the sunset is just as beautiful as the sunrise.

Forgiveness

Dearest K,

Thanks for your very meaningful post on the definition of a real friend.  This is also how I see friendship, though I acknowledge that others may have different views.

Forgiveness has seemed to be the main theme of my last two months.

Forgive family quarrels.
Forgive friends who have hurt me.
Seek forgiveness from same friends whom I have hurt.
Forgive boys who did me wrong.
Forgive myself for making mistakes - in all aspects of my life:  family, friends, career, love, lifestyle.

"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed." - Oprah

I recently heard or read somewhere that "forgiveness is not about you...it's about me.  And moving on."

It doesn't matter if someone never accepts your apology or never apologizes - forgiveness is about how you make peace with the issue internally after having given it your all, realizing that what has happened in the past cannot be undone but moving forward with hope instead of unhealthy guilt or sadness.

A boy I used to love and who has hurt me has recently reached out to say he was sorry.  His apology wasn't eloquent - he didn't provide any reasons to explain his behavior, but would an explanation make anything better?  Yes, it would be nice if I could understand him more...but it still does not change the past.

His apology was sincere and direct, and I accepted it.  But the truth is, I already forgave him long before he apologized.

So even if he had never apologized - if I had never heard from him again, the outcome would be the same.  I have made peace with what had happened - a relationship that was fun while it lasted, but now it is over.

And I have moved on - but not with the hope that he will one day change... but with the hope that I will find someone who will treat me better and appreciate me for who I am.

I say, seek forgiveness often and forgive all who hurt you.  Even the jerks who you think don't deserve your time, attention, emotions.

In the end, you are also forgiving yourself for allowing yourself to be vulnerable or making an error in judgment.

Forgive, but never forget the lesson it has taught you.

The Holidays

The Holiday Season.

Aside from the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping, holiday-themed dinners and parties, hanging garland and mistletoe, admiring lavishly-decorated store fronts, baking the honey ham or icing the gingerbread house...

This time of the year is for...
reflection on the past year,
preparation for the new year.

Look back, be thankful.
Look forward, be hopeful.

A time to make peace, forgive, heal, share, spread joy.

A time for love.

And for all the singles out there with no one to cuddle with in front of the fireplace...
Ignore all those "I'll have a blue Christmas without you" lonely love song non-sense!  Seriously, they should ban depressing Christmas songs... they are counter-intuitive!

Don't mourn the loss or lack of that special someone in your life, but celebrate the presence of the many special someones who care so much about you!

Be merry!  Imagine all the possibilities the new year will bring, and only keep "the good."

Make Room

Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock.

Knowing what I know now about the person I dated for X amount of months or years...sometimes I wish I hadn't wasted so much time.

But the past is something we cannot erase or hide from.  What’s done is done.

So what can we do? 

Embrace it.  Acknowledge the fact that we had to go through the misery, the rejection, the failure - all of it.  This had to happen for us to be who we are today - a little bit broken, but a little bit wiser.

The first step is to forgive ourselves.  Whether we played a part in its demise or things were simply beyond our control... we have to let it go and attempt to rebuild.  Take this time to heal, take this time to get to know yourself a little bit better and ask yourself - what do you really want from a relationship?

Let go of the baggage.  Start over with a clean slate.

I read the following excerpt in a magazine, and I always share it with friends that have trouble letting go of emotional baggage:

You have to let go of the bad to make room for the good.  I was in a hellish relationship a few years ago, but I swear, the moment I said goodbye, all these blessings started flowing into my life.  It was like God was holding a bag of blessings and I was holding a bag of shit, and when I let go of my bag, God was like, 'Here you go.'

The light at the end of the tunnel is this:  there is a bag of blessings waiting for you.  But it comes at a price.  You gotta leave behind the "bag of shit" that weighs you down.  Only take the good with you - the memories you are fond of, the ones that still make you smile.  Cut ties with the jerk that didn't appreciate you - you don't need him.  His life – what he’s doing, who he is seeing now, how he feels about you (assuming he has feelings at all!) – is all irrelevant now.

Every day is a new day to start over.  If you have an "off" day, be kind to yourself.  Sleep it off because tomorrow is a new day to try again.  You can't "take back" your yesterdays, but you can "make up" for them.  Starting today.

I'll end with one of my favorite quotes from Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat Pray Love" (which I could quote all day):

"If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you with more love that you ever dreamed."

Imagine all the good you can do (or good you can feel!) if you just freed your mind from all the worrying and self-pitying!  Instead of throwing ourselves a daily "pity party" or harboring angry, hateful feelings toward the jerk that took us for granted, we can get out there and do something that makes us happy. 

Replace the painful memories in your mind with newer, happier memories and drive out all negative thoughts by realizing that when one door closes, another opens with a brighter opportunity.  When one chapter ends, a new chapter is waiting to be written...one with a much happier ending.

Imagine what you could do if you took all that energy you spent focusing on this one undeserving guy and converted it to something positive and creative and useful.

It's all about perspective.  But it takes practice to train our minds this way.

Time is limited.  So is space - free your mind!

Make room.

Top Five Regrets of The Dying

Thought this morning's topic on Z100 (my favorite radio station) was very applicable to how I've been feeling lately...

Life thoughts from a palliative care worker

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late.
Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Read more: http://www.elvisduran.com/pages/whatwetalkedabout.html?feed=136656&article=9462137#ixzz1fO1D1HwA